"Gardening is cheaper than therapy and you get tomatoes." – Unknown
Unless you lost a loved one you will never understand the avalanche of emotions that overwhelms the minds, hearts and souls of those bereaved.
I lost my husband in December 2023, short before Christmas. I lost the love of my life, my best friend, my companion. I lost my home, my garden, my dogs and my cats. My husband's daughter told that "now, that my husband was dead, I could finally go back to my life". I wish I could "go back" to my life. I wish I could return to the time long before the cancer diagnosis, before fear, when life was good and dreams were still possible.
One of the most important things in life is to never define yourself or your happiness by your possessions or people in your life. You should be able to be happy even if you lost everything. I always understood that happiness was an inside job but I never imagined how I would cope with the loss if it actually happened in my life.
When you and your spouse are so completely connected that you become one mind, one soul, a sudden loss of your "other half" leaves an incredible emptiness. Nothing in your life prepares you for such a tragedy. Your world is completely shattered in an instant. You cannot "return to your life", you don't simply move on. You survive and if you are lucky, you will slowly learn how to live again.
My husband's 2021 stage IV renal cell carcinoma diagnosis came as a shock to both of us. We hoped that he would be able to beat the disease, but we also knew that our days together were somewhat numbered. Still, his passing in December 2023 came unexpectedly. Five months later, one of our puppies died from a broken heart. An unimaginable void opened after these two deaths and unbearable pain became my companion ever since.
Interaction with my late husband's daughter in the weeks that followed his passing left me completely heartbroken. Although my husband left me everything he had, I renounced my inheritance believing that his daughter and her big family would have a better use for it. Despite my generosity I was threatened with physical violence and had to face evil I was not prepared for. Because of a nasty trick I lost my husband twice. Lies, deception, fraud. Till today I cannot understand how my sweet husband could have even been related to a person without honor or decency. If he had witnessed what transpired after his death, he would have been shocked, angry and disappointed, but this is material for a book that probably will never be written. Dealing with the loss of your loved one takes up all your energy, but to deal with pure, premeditated evil at the same time when you didn't even know it existed, is beyond anyone's imagination.
Healing takes time and requires a lot of strength if one doesn't want to lose one's mind or drown in anger, resentment and self pity. Some things cannot ever be repaired. You will never be the same. You do not move on. You cannot really recover from your loss. The grief will never go away. All you can do is to learn to cope, accept the things the way they are and try to somehow mend the broken heart, if this is even possible.
Grief is not a linear process. Everyone experiences it differently. The extreme emotional pain you feel after the loss of a loved one can profoundly affect your emotional and physical health. Finding something that will give you sense of purpose and accomplishment could help during the time of grief.
Gardening seems like one such thing that could help a grieving person to deal with the avalanche of emotions. It is an active exercise in mindfulness. It requires willingness to learn, concentration and many hours of work every day. Getting your fingers dirty is actually healthy and quite relaxing. Spending a lot of time outside and watching the plants grow and move through their cycles of life can help you take your mind off your pain and connect with nature in a most healing way. You not only observe the cycles of life but also learn to accept the impermanence of things.
Many stressed or distressed people believe that there is no better way to calm the nerves and
stimulate one's creativity than digging in the dirt and planting seeds.
In fact, serious scientific studies were conducted on the relationship between mental and physical health and gardening.
Scientists found out that gardening
- helps you stay physically and mentally active
- improves physical agility and helps strengthen the muscles
- exposure to sunlight while gardening helps you boost your Vitamin D levels
- possibly boosts immunity since the soil contains microorganisms beneficial to the immune system
- decreases risk of such chronic diseases as heart disease and old age diabetes
- improves cognitive health and keeps your mind sharp
- gives you sense of purpose and accomplishment
- brings joy and happiness to your life
- reduces stress and anxiety
- helps you relax and sleep better
And, of course, if you are growing vegetables in your garden, gardening
improves the way you eat since there is nothing more delicious than freshly plucked tomato or cucumber that you planted and have seen growing.
Gardening can be very rewarding. Naturally, no amount of gardening will ever take your pain away, but it may help you manage stress and depression, if only just a bit. It helps you cope with difficult emotions. Daily work
in the garden prevents you form losing your mind or turning bitter and vengeful. Your
own joy and happiness is the best vengeance towards those who hurt you.
I no longer have a large garden so I started a small, bio-dynamic one on my balcony. I no longer have cats or dogs so I make friends with bumble bees and wasps. I thank the bees for pollinating my plants. I thank the wasps for keeping my plants free from aphids and other vermin. Watching the things grow gives me joy and comfort while I am trying to sort through memories from a much happier time.
Growing, harvesting and cooking your own food is probably one of the most satisfying experiences any gardener can have.
Being able to prepare a meal from the fruits of one's diligent labor is a vital element of self care and cannot be underestimated during the time of mourning.
Most days are very difficult for me. I do not sleep well and I could probably water my small garden with all the tears I am shedding. I know that my beloved husband would not want me to let myself go so I pull myself together. Watching things grow fills my heart with joy and gratitude. I have my morning coffee and read books in my garden just like we both used to do on so many mornings. I harvest my vegetables and prepare my meals the way I did for both of us. I don't even need to close my eyes to see my husband's smile as he is waiting for the salad dressing I am making.
We promised each other to be together forever. He never left. He just moved to another plane of existence and is waiting there for me...
By Dominique Allmon
In loving memory of my husband James W. Allmon (1953-2023)
