A man was riding a donkey. He saw a wanderer carrying a large bundle.
“Are you by any chance on your way to Las Cruces?” asked the wanderer.
“Indeed, I am” responded the man on a donkey. “Could you give me a
lift?” asked the man. “I am sure my donkey would not mind a bit. Get
on.” said the man on a donkey.
Relieved and happy, the wanderer got on placing the heavy bundle on animal's back and both men went on in
silence contemplating their luck. After a while the donkey owner asked:
“Isn’t my donkey great?” “Oh, yes sir. You have such a great donkey!”
They
went in silence for another mile when the man with a bundle said
happily: “Don’t we have a great donkey, or what?” Shocked at what he
just heard the donkey’s owner stopped the animal on the spot and told
the man with a bundle to get off his donkey. “But why?” asked the
surprised man. “I know the kind of you! First, it was my donkey that was
great. Then, it was our donkey that was great. If it goes like that,
after another mile you will probably tell me how great your donkey was!
Get off! I have nothing more to say.”
Have you ever been in a situation where you had no choice but to say
“No” to someone who seemed to have almost taken charge over your life?
Last month a very good friend of mine was asked to baby-sit a dog.
The dog’s owner had to go on a short trip and my friend did not mind a
bit to have her dog in his house over the weekend since his own dog
loved to play with the other dog. The woman came back from her trip and
took her dog home. Only a few days later she demanded that my friend
took care of her dog again. And again. And again. It did not matter that
it was middle of the week and my friend was at work. He had to report
at the woman’s house and take her dog with him. In no time the woman
became a social leech – someone who would suck the life out of you but
was almost impossible to get rid of unless, of course, you took a very
drastic measures.
Many of the so called “good souls” become victims of egoistic
manipulators. We offer help, we offer advice, we are friendly, we do a
favor for someone who asked and before we even notice, our friends,
spouses, relatives, colleagues, neighbors or acquaintances not only come
for more, they seem to move into the center of our attention and
rearrange our schedules. They demand full attention and terrorize us
with phone calls, e-mails and spontaneous visits. Sometimes the
situation becomes so unbearable that we are to scared to even answer the
phone or open the door. We suffer and yet, we are unable to say “No.”
We are unable to say “No” because we fear that we might hurt or
offend someone. We are afraid to lose a friend or be accused of
selfishness or indifference. We love harmony and want social approval.
And we would rather suffer or hide instead of facing the person head on.
But is it worth it?
The choice is really between our own frustration and our own
happiness. Saying “No” may be the first step to a more fulfilled and
happier life, but it takes a lot of courage. We might indeed become
unpopular and lose some friends at first, but knowing that we are in
control is more precious than friendships with unscrupulous people.
Saying “No” does not have to be hurtful or offensive, but we have to
clearly mark our boundaries. We do not have to please others, and we
definitely do not have to put their needs before our own.
Those who feel offended by our own “demarcation” are probably not our
real friends because real friendship is based on respect. Boundaries do
not put us into isolation, they simply define our private space in
which we feel authentic and comfortable. Learning to protect our
personal boundaries is necessary if we want to live a genuinely happy
life.
By Dominique Allmon
Dominique Allmon©2014
Image source here