"Gardening is cheaper than therapy and you get tomatoes." – Unknown
I lost my husband last year, short before Christmas. I lost the love of my life, my best friend, my companion. I lost my home, my garden, my dogs and my cats. I was told that now, that my husband was dead, I could go back to my life. I wish I could "go back" to my life. I wish I could "go back" to my life as it was before my husband passed away. I wish I could return to the time long before my husband's diagnosis when dreams were still possible.
One of the most important things in life is to never define yourself or your happiness by your possessions or people in your life. You should be able to be happy even if you lost everything. I always understood that happiness was an inside job but I never imagined how I would cope with the loss if it actually happened in my life.
When you and your spouse are so completely connected that you become one mind, one soul, a sudden loss of your "other half" leaves an incredible emptiness. Nothing in your life prepares you for such a tragedy. Your world is completely shattered in an instant. You cannot "return to your life", you don't simply move on. You have to learn how to live again.
My husband's 2021 stage IV renal cell carcinoma diagnosis came as a shock to both of us. We hoped that he would be able to beat the disease, but we also knew that our days together were somewhat numbered. Still, his passing came unexpectedly. An unimaginable void opened after his death and unbearable pain became my companion ever since.
Interaction with my late husband's daughter in the weeks that followed his passing left me completely heartbroken. I had to face evil I was not prepared for. I lost my husband twice. He would have been shocked if he had witnessed what transpired after his death, but this is material for a book that will probably never be written. Dealing with a loss takes all your energy, but to deal with pure, premeditated evil when you didn't even know it existed, is beyond anyone's imagination.
Healing takes time and requires a lot of strength if one doesn't want to drown in anger, resentment and self pity. Some things cannot ever be repaired, one will never be the same. One does not move on. One cannot really recover from the loss. The grief will never go away. All one can do is to learn to cope, accept the things the way they are and try to somehow mend the broken heart.
Grief is not a linear process. Everyone experiences it differently. The extreme emotional pain one feels after a loss of a loved one can profoundly affect one's emotional and physical health. Finding something that will give one sense of purpose and accomplishment could help during the time of grief.
Gardening seems like one such thing that could help a grieving person to deal with the avalanche of emotions. It is an active exercise in mindfulness. It requires willingness to learn, concentration and many hours of work every day. Getting your fingers dirty is actually healthy and quite relaxing. Spending a lot of time outside and watching the plants grow and move through their cycles of life can help you take your mind off your pain and connect with nature in a most healing way. You not only observe the cycles of life but also learn to accept the impermanence of things.
Many stressed or distressed people believe that there is no better way to calm the nerves and
stimulate one's creativity than digging in the dirt and planting seeds.
In fact, serious scientific studies were conducted on the relationship between mental and physical health and gardening.
Scientists found out that gardening
- reduces stress and anxiety
- decreases risk of such chronic diseases as heart disease and old age diabetes
- improves physical agility
- brings joy and happiness to your life
- improves cognitive health and keeps your mind sharp
- helps you relax and sleep better
And, of course, if you are growing vegetables in your garden, gardening
improves the way you eat since there is nothing more delicious than freshly plucked tomato or cucumber that you have seen growing.
Naturally, no amount of gardening will ever take your pain away, but it may help you manage stress and depression, if only just a bit.
I no longer have a large garden so I started a small, bio-dynamic one on my balcony. I no longer have cats or dogs so I make friends with bumble bees and wasps. I thank the bees for pollinating my plants. I thank the wasps for keeping my plants free from aphids and other vermin. Watching the things grow gives me joy and comfort while I am trying to sort through memories from a much happier time.
Growing, harvesting and cooking your own food is probably one of the most satisfying experiences any gardener can have.
Being able to prepare a meal from the fruits of one's diligent labor is a vital element of self care and cannot be underestimated during such a difficult time.
Most days are very difficult for me. I could probably water my small garden with all the tears I am shedding but I also know that my beloved husband would not want me to let myself go. Watching the things grow in my garden fills my heart with joy and gratitude. I have my morning coffee in my garden just like we both used to do on so many mornings. I harvest my vegetables and prepare my meals the way I did for both of us. I don't even need to close my eyes to see my husband's smile as he is waiting for the salad dressing I am making.
We promised each other to be together forever. He never left. He just moved to another plane of existence and is waiting there for me...
By Dominique Allmon
In loving memory of my husband James W. Allmon (1953-2023)
Dominique Allmon©2024
